unfriended

The last 20 years of my life is documented in blogs and journals. Aching to be printed. An unedited intro to it all.

We met 23 years ago, but I didn’t meet the “real you” until 10 years ago. You were the only constant in my story, until now.  In the infancy of our friendship you were everything I was looking for. You were quiet, unassuming, holding space in my moments of need. Offering me calm when life seemed unimaginable, a quiet companion when loneliness was ever present, a reassuring gift when fear was threatening to consume me. In the first 10 years of our friendship, you embodied all the rewards you promised. 

If someone would’ve told me that I would choose to say goodbye to you, I would struggle to imagine how we could survive apart or why we could not find a place of healthy coexistence. 

There was a place in time where your docile nature was a gift in my turmoil, however, you slowly and steadily began to break me down. Your promises fading into the darkness that suddenly felt loud in a quiet world, and our unspoken agreement to bring out the best in each other was compromised. Where support once stood was now a gaping crevasse of fear. You became overbearing and stifling. Heaviness of our broken relationship, spilling through the cracks of my soul. What started as mine, became yours.

I remember exactly where I was when I realized that not only could I walk away from you, but that I had to. I could not consciously wait for you to break me. So I closed the door on two decades, each sip from your well was pulling me further from the intentions of my life, I was living in your shadow. 

This is not a blog about sobriety per say, or a painful life, rather, a woman standing in the forest of time. My hands outstretched cradling large pieces of ceramic symbolism of brokenness. Each piece threatening to leap to the ground, shattering into that which no longer resembles the vessel it once was. So, I choose to mend, over and over again. Selecting gold as a mending agent to make a life even more beautiful than its unbroken version. A story of life. Real, unfiltered life.