knowing

The knowing dances with the unknowing.

The knowing whispers to me that there is a life that is rich and beautiful and whole….without the guilt, regret and complication that has become my normal. 

The unknowing is fear based, the voice that reminds me I can’t change. Mocks me. Convinces me that I am fine, despite my inner knowing. 

I am nothing if not vulnerable and painfully honest. I have learned that if my story can become a map for someone who is lost, my pain can validate someone else’s fear and my errors can lead someone away from their own, then I will share.

126 days ago, I decided not to get on the merry go round again. I decided to change my story. To live in authenticity. To live in the spotlight of vulnerability. To live my best life. To become sober. 

As with all things in my life, I dive in. I have #quitlit books lining my shelf and running through my AirPods at all times. I’m writing like I’m running out of time. I’m in the most science based and fulfilling Sober Coaching Certification program I could find available. And I am ready to dive in.

The truth is I truly do not hold any judgement or opinion on those who drink. I simply want to invite curious people to this new beautiful space I have found. This place of sobriety that I feared for so long. The questions that used to plague me; how do I celebrate? How do I cope? How do you balance your commitment without making non-sober people uncomfortable in a world swimming in alcohol? How do you do life without booze? 

The answer came as an exclamation on a quiet night, “You are not doing life right now, you are filtering it. Turn the filter off, the rest will come.”

So I stand here filterless. Wishing I would have come long ago.